We often put things away in a special place for safe-keeping, knowing that we can lay our hands on them when we need to. It has taken a long time for me to realize that I put something away several years ago that is now so deeply buried that I need an excavation crew to dig it up, plus a restoration team to shine it up and bring it back to life. I did not safely put away anything of material value but, rather, hid a huge part of my soul. Why? To protect it, I guess, from fracture; to hide it from everyone because I couldn't bear to expose its fragility. I had been hurting so badly from what-shall-remain-unsaid that I had to shut my self (as opposed to myself) down and let life happen outside of me. Looking back, it was a necessary step to take because it provided a mechanism for me to hide, cope, and become invisible. I used to be a true extrovert and was never afraid to "put myself out there"; I have hidden my soul with such determination that now I might be afraid to put myself back in there, so to speak.
I'm afraid that if I try to retrieve the part of me that was my true essence that it may be irreversibly damaged; unfamiliar; unattractive.
I'm afraid that it might change who I think I am. Or who I thought I was.
Two people, for whom I am deeply grateful, have seen directly through me and have challenged me, in two very unique approaches, to face my soul head on no matter how frightening it is. The truth is, it might be more frightening NOT to face it. These two people may or may not know who they are; they frighten and excite me at the same time. I am deeply in their debt and someday I will be able to tell them of the immeasurable difference they have made in my life.
But you know what? All that said, and all the tears I have cried, and all the fake outward I'm-so-together show...I know that have to reintroduce myself to my self. And though it scares me more than anything else I have ever done, in a strange way I might be looking forward to it.
